


Untouched

by shittyfoureyes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon Era, Complicated Relationships, Compromise, Established Relationship, Heartache, Introspection, Lack of Communication, Longing, Love, M/M, Pining, Reconciliation, Sacrifice, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Unconditional Love, Unrequited Love, Vignette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:59:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3910456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittyfoureyes/pseuds/shittyfoureyes





	1. Chapter 1

  
Eren Jaeger is in his room- well, it's not just his, it's the boy's dormitory, but his bed is there. He's been doing sit-ups for... How long has he been in here? He's lost track of time. He stops for a moment to rest his burning muscles. Now, where did he leave off? 100? 500? 1,000? He was counting at first, trying to do more repetitions than his previous record, but he just couldn't concentrate in the quiet room, his own thoughts far too loud. All the other members of the 104th are at dinner in the mess hall. He excused himself from the table before he could even finish half of his food. Eren feels guilty about this, knowing that wasting food is inexcusable when there's such a shortage of it, but at least someone else is always happy to claim his share.  
  
He tries to do a few more but can't find it in him to continue. He lays flat on the cold floor, praying that it's not time for the squad to return from dinner. He lets the tears fall.  
  
Eren hates himself for this. Hates that he's crying over something so silly when there are people fighting and dying all around him, the entirety of the human race at the mercy of titans. There are clearly more important things to be upset about. So why _is_ he so upset then? Why does this even matter to him? It's so trivial. Selfish. There must be something really wrong with him.

 

\---

 

Eren takes a deep breath before knocking on the door of the lab.  
  
"Hanji, can I come in?"  
  
"Mmm hmm! Door's unlocked. Just give me a minute to finish recording these results!"  
  
Eren sits as Hanji continues to write something down in a leather-bound notebook, one he's seen many times before. He stares at it blankly, watching Hanji's hand move across the page, scratching out words in a scrawling form of penmanship that he's never been able to read. He remains in silence, patiently waiting, hands clenched in fists over his knees until Hanji finally looks up, closing the cover of the book.  
  
"What's on your mind, Eren? Are you feeling okay?"  
  
"Hanji... Can I talk to you about something?"  
  
"Of course! You always can. Is something the matter?"  
  
"Well... It's something kind of... personal." He's a little embarrassed, actually, but what's a bit more humiliation?  
  
"Ooooh, is this about Levi?" Eren looks down again, frowning, clenching his fists tighter. "Oh, this is serious, isn't it. Did he do something?" Hanji leans over the table, concern replacing excitement. "Do I need to go have a talk with him?"  
  
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, no, you don't need to talk to him about this. Please. And he didn't do anything... That's... sort of the problem, I guess."  
  
"Okay. I'm listening." Hanji sits back, crossing their arms, all attention on Eren.  
  
"Do you think Levi is interested in me... You know," Hanji's a scientist and a close friend to both him and Levi, one of the few people who knows about their relationship.  Eren shouldn't be having such a hard time talking about this with them. "... _sexually?_ "  
  
"You're quite a catch, Eren, I don't see why he wouldn't be. I've heard the way the girls talk about you. You have a lot of admirers, you know."  
  
Only the girls find him attractive? Is that the problem? What kind of man is Levi attracted to? Maybe he wants someone stronger, more like Erwin or Mike. Eren makes a mental note to train even harder.  
  
"Levi's a very private man. He's never been one to talk about these sort of things, or anything in general, but you are all he ever _does_ talk about when he does. I've known Levi for a long time and I can guarantee you that he wouldn't have chosen you if he didn't like you. He doesn't like anyone. I'd say you're pretty special."  
  
"I don't know, Hanji. We've been together for a while now but we still haven't... You know." He has a hard time swallowing the lump in his throat, biting the inside of his lip to discourage any more emotion from spilling out.  
  
"I'm assuming you've talked about this with him?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And?"  
  
"He says he's not..." He has to pause for a breath. "Hanji, is there something wrong with me? Is it because I'm a titan?" It's cause you're a fucking monster. Of course there's something wrong with you. God, Eren, don't cry, you're so fucking pathetic. Get it together.  
  
"Oh, Eren. No. You know Levi's always under a lot of stress, and that can really dampen a man's libido. Maybe you should try helping him relax more, see if that helps? He really likes tea and I have some calming herbs here you can use. He'd probably love a massage, too."  
  
Of course, Eren already does all that for Levi, even making him the special blend of herbal tea he learned from his father. He gathers the plants for it himself, not trusting anyone else to do so, choosing only the best of the best for his beloved Corporal. He'll keep trying, though. He's probably just not doing enough for him, or maybe he's doing everything wrong and making him more stressed. Can he do anything right?  
  
"Thanks, Hanji." He can't hide the disappointment in his voice. He hops down from his stool and makes his way to the door before he embarrasses himself any more.  
  
"Let me know how it goes! Good lu-" The door closes before Hanji can even finish.

 

\---

 

Eren is just finishing up cleaning out the stables when he hears the clopping hooves of an approaching horse. He steps out to see who it is and finds that it's Levi returning from his earlier trip to the city with Erwin.  
  
He watches Levi approach, the way his posture is so strong and confident in the saddle, the way his body bounces up and down on the back of the massive black stallion as it canters toward the stable. God, he's so gorgeous. The way the sun makes his black hair gleam, the way his harnesses frame his strong body so perfectly.  
  
He knows he's staring when Levi finally arrives. Levi dismounts, walks over to Eren and pulls him forward by his chest harness, raising himself up on his toes to acknowledge him with a quick kiss on the forehead.    
  
It's a hot day and Levi's been riding for over an hour. Sweat has soaked his white shirt and made it transparent in the spots where it clings to his body, accentuating the muscles beneath. Eren watches hungrily as Levi pulls off his cravat, gradually revealing the pale, glistening skin underneath, a drop of perspiration rolling down his neck and into the dip at the center of his collarbone. Eren licks his lips involuntarily. Even the smell of Levi's sweat is attractive.  
  
Levi tends to his horse and Eren tries to still his pounding heart, unable to tear his eyes away from the way Levi's body bends and stretches as he brushes the animal's shiny black coat. He hears Levi talking to it, a habit that Eren finds adorable. Levi pats it on the nose and Eren's ears pick up on the words ' _you're beautiful._ '  
  
"I feel disgusting. I'm going to take a shower. Meet me in my office after dinner, I want to tell you about how well Erwin bullshitted those brainless MPs in the city. You're not going to believe what he told them."  
  
Eren nods, waving goodbye to Levi as he heads back toward the castle. The castle where he's soon going to be wet and naked. Fuck. No. Not now. _Not now!_

...Nope, this isn't going to go away on its own, is it. At least he's alone in the stable.  
  
He makes sure he's completely hidden before he frees himself from his pants, trying to relieve the uncomfortable situation caused by Levi's show just now. Eren finds himself doing this more and more frequently lately, always to thoughts of Levi, never anything else. He's thinking of him right now, how beautiful he is, how good his body looked in that damp white shirt, how good he must look in the shower right now. He imagines that it's Levi's hand on him instead, touching him, pleasing him, wondering how it would feel... He doesn't know how it feels. Levi's never touched him like this. Levi... isn't interested in touching him like this. Levi will never touch him like this. Levi doesn't want him.  
  
Eren doesn't need to continue. He puts himself away feeling sick to his stomach. Sliding down the wall onto the hay-covered floor, he hides his head in his hands and cries in the privacy of the empty stable.

 

\---

 

Eren's staring vacantly down at his untouched bowl of stew. It's the same thing every time they gather for dinner.  The girls and boys tend to sit separately, and Eren usually joins his friends at the boys' table. Sometimes Sasha and Mikasa are there too, but this time they seem to be engrossed in some sort of interesting conversation at the table filled with girls across from him.  
  
Jean and Connie are bragging about their sexual exploits to the other guys at the table who are all listening in rapt attention. There's some jeers of disbelief, some congratulatory high-fives, and then requests for details. Eren's still quietly fixated on his now-cold stew, unable to stomach the idea of eating anything. His heart clenches painfully, gut churning, throat tightening uncomfortably. He excuses himself saying that he's not feeling well and pushes his tray over to Connie, who gladly accepts.

 

\---

 

Levi's chair is pushed back from his desk, his crisp white shirt sloppily hanging over the back, one sleeve barely brushing the floor. He's in his chair which is normally reserved for tedious work, but now he finds himself hunched forward, moaning, legs spread wide in front of him, eyes closed in enjoyment. He's not doing any work for once.  
  
Eren is kneading and massaging Levi's bare neck and shoulders, helping ease the stiff, sore muscles there. He loves doing this for Levi. He loves being the one who cares for his brave Corporal at the end of every day. Loves being the one to soothe his stressed nerves, reminding Levi that it's okay to relax. He loves the feeling of Levi's warm, smooth skin under his fingertips, loves brushing them over the short hair on the back of Levi's head, loves the way Levi outright moans when he finds a particularly tender spot on his shoulders.  
  
Levi sounds so good. Eren adores Levi's pleased noises, feels so proud knowing that he's the one giving him that pleasure, never anyone else. He wonders what Levi might sound like if he could give him even more pleasure. He'd do anything to make Levi feel good and there's so many more ideas he wants to try. He wants to touch Levi's body in different ways, find out what kind of faces Levi would make, find all the places that make him feel the best, he wants to know exactly how to satisfy and relax Corporal Levi, who has chosen him to be his trusted companion.  
  
Eren can only imagine it, though. Levi doesn't allow Eren to touch his body in those ways, says he doesn't like it, doesn't find the idea appealing, and Eren respects his wishes. He's happy just to be with Levi, who always protects him and confides in him, spends time with him talking, teaching him new things, telling him stories about expeditions outside the walls, holds him in his arms and occasionally rewards him with kisses. That doesn't mean he isn't longing for more, not just to touch Levi, but for Levi to touch him. He's young and in love, his physical and emotional needs are intense. If he wasn't with Levi, he's sure he could probably have his pick of any of the survey corps boys or girls to satisfy him physically. But he _is_ with Levi. He has no desire to touch or let anyone else touch him. Even before they were together as a couple, he only had eyes for Levi. Never wanted anyone else. Still doesn't want anyone else. Hopes his needs are just a phase that every teenage boy eventually grows out of. He hopes he grows out of it soon.  
  
He forces himself to ignore the ache in his chest and the cruel voices in the back of his head that make him question his worth.

 

\---

 

Eren and Levi are cuddled up together in Levi's bed on one of the nights that Levi invites him to stay over. It's peaceful, just the two of them, Levi's fingers gently brushing through Eren's clean hair. Always clean for Levi. All of him. Eren obsessively makes sure of it.  
  
Eren enjoys this closeness, cherishing every minute he gets to spend with Levi, but he still longs for more. He'd pined for Levi ever since the first time he saw him. Eren thought Levi was the strongest, bravest, most beautiful person he'd ever seen. Now that he's truly gotten to know him, he's even better than he imagined. It's only natural to feel attracted to the person you love... Right? To want to share your body with them and make them feel good? Isn't that part of being in a relationship with someone?  
  
He gathers up the courage to make a move, hoping that maybe his... Lover? Boyfriend? His whatever he is might finally be in the mood tonight. Eren's always been the one to make the first move and he's been rejected every time. Even though each rejection tears him apart, the pain becoming worse and worse until he thinks he'll break, his need for physical intimacy with the one he loves is so deep and relentless that he can't give up trying on the off chance that he is actually accepted.  
  
As expected, Levi rejects his advances. Even though he knew it would happen, this rejection still hurts more than the last. He thinks he's prepared to handle it but he never is. He hates himself even more now. He feels stupid for trying. He's humiliated.  
  
"Levi, why don't you want me? Why aren't you attracted to me?" Don't cry. Don't cry. He'll _never_ want you if he sees what a weak fucking crybaby you are. He's humanity's strongest! He could never want someone so stupid and pathetic. _Don't you fucking cry_!  
  
"I _am_ attracted to you, Eren."  
  
"Then why don't you want to have sex with me?"  
  
"I've told you before, I'm just not interested. Is sex all you want from me?"  
  
"Of course not. I love you, Levi, I just..."  
  
"I don't understand why you still want me to do something so unappealing. How can that one thing be so important to you? You already know how much I love you. Isn't that enough?"  
  
"No... I guess you're right. It's not important. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry. I love you. Now go to sleep or you'll end up flying face-first into a tree during drills tomorrow."  
  
"All right. Night, Levi."  
  
Eren rolls over to face the wall when Levi leans to blow out the candle beside the bed. He waits until he's sure Levi is out cold before he spends another night smothering his face into his pillow, quietly crying himself to sleep.  
  


 


	2. Chapter 2

The first rays of dawn are seeping in. They crawl across the floor, dissolving the cool blue where the edges of day and night overlap, and the young scout who has been fighting off the invading threat of wakefulness finally succumbs to the uninvited nuisance trespassing through the window. Still, Eren won’t give in that easily and struggles the best he can to hold on to the last precious remnants of sleep. He forces his eyes shut, resorting to burying his face into the pillow and when that strategy fails, he groans in frustration at being woken _far_ earlier than he thinks is necessary. He begins to perceive the existence of the waking world, the details of it revealing themselves one by one: the song of robins who rose long before the sun, the scent of the pillow pressed to his nose, the sound of his own sigh as he deeply inhales, and the pleasant, comforting warmth of the body nestled against him from behind.

  
Eren decides that if he absolutely _must_ be awake right now, he might as well enjoy the moment. He wraps the clean, white sheets tighter around him, the unfamiliar feeling of silky linen absolute bliss against his skin. His lips twist into a drowsy grin, and he nuzzles himself deeper into the security of Levi's sleeping arms. He can feel Levi's even breaths tickling the back of his neck, and he thinks, dreamily and happily, that the two of them fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces, or cobblestones, or like two spoons stacked in a kitchen drawer. It’s so peaceful being cuddled up with Levi in his bed that he's dozing off again, despite the growing brightness of the room trying to tug him back to consciousness. It’s only for a minute that he dozes, though, because what he feels next jolts him awake the second he feels it. Something... Something is _poking_ him. He knows exactly what it is.  
  
Levi is erect. His cock is hard and hot and pressing _right against_ _his ass_.  
  
A wave of heat flashes over Eren, arousal shooting violently up his spine, tingling and shuddering as his heart begins to race and tension mounts between his legs. He swallows thickly and tries his best to keep it together, but the instinctual urge to grind against Levi is impossible to resist. He’s subtle about it, but he can’t stop himself. He presses closer into the curve of Levi’s hips, feeling Levi’s morning erection twitch at the pressure of his ass grinding into it, and his own morning erection swells and throbs in response, and _oh_ , how he wants him right now. Eren closes his eyes and bites his lip while he fantasizes about forbidden pleasures. He’s imagining what Levi might look like down there, his mind filling in every detail of him that as of yet remain unknown. It feels big to him, as it always does when this particular situation occurs; longer and thicker than one would guess by observing the corporal’s small stature.  
  
Eren’s palm presses against his aching erection, seeking some form of relief from the discomfort. He knows he’s bringing this torture upon himself by daring to imagine more than just the way Levi’s cock looks. _So_ much more. Like the way it would feel to wrap his hand around it and stroke him, how it might taste sliding heavily along his tongue, or if he could even fit it in his mouth at all, or in his throat, or in his…  
  
A groan inadvertently escapes Eren's tightening throat at the familiar but impossible fantasy of having sex with Levi. His hips rock back and forth of their own accord, desperate to rub against Levi even harder, desperate to feel him more, more, he wants _more_ , he _needs_ more. He realizes his mistake immediately, but it’s already too late. His heart drops. Eren's certain someone is choking him, that there are icy hands around his neck, crushing his windpipe, squeezing his throat until he's lightheaded and seeing stars. His stomach flips in pain when Levi pulls his hips back just enough to separate them.  
  
Levi doesn’t say anything. He goes back to sleep, and Eren’s eyes well with tears of shame and anxiety and despair. He doesn’t know what to do with himself right now. He chokes down the pain of what’s yet another in an endless string of rejections, and there’s nothing he can do to comfort himself.  
  
Eren isn’t there when Levi wakes up.  
  
He doesn’t see him for the rest of the day.

 


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
The door opens.

  
Levi looks up from the stack of papers in front of him, steaming cup of tea still poised at his lips. Eren is standing there in the doorway, and his eyes widen when they meet Levi's icy grey gaze. Eren seems surprised to see Levi there and stays frozen at the door, his hand still on the brass doorknob, as if he's trying to decide if he should turn around and go, but it's too late to leave now.  
  
"Nice of you to finally show your face again." Levi takes a sip of his tea and places his cup back onto its saucer, his full attention now on the young man standing in front of him like a startled deer.  
  
Levi is happy to see him, though his greeting may have indicated otherwise. He continues to observe the awkwardness of Eren's sudden entrance, and what he sees worries him. Judging by Eren's stiff posture and displeased expression, the happiness in seeing each other doesn't appear to be mutual.  
  
He hasn't seen Eren in days. He's missed him immensely, though he's too proud ever to tell him just how much.  The last time Levi saw Eren was the morning he had woken up alone in bed, Eren's spot beside him cold and empty. It made his chest ache.  
  
Levi thought of Eren constantly during the time he was away. Falling asleep that night with Eren in his arms but waking up without him confused and scared him. Perhaps Eren had something to do that morning. Perhaps he was too busy to meet him for dinner that night, and the next, and the next after that. You'd never know it by his ever-expressionless demeanor, but his mind was running circles around itself, searching for an answer.  
  
Levi missed the routine he'd become so accustomed to. He missed seeing Eren's bright eyes glowing golden-green in the morning sunlight. He missed Eren's smiles and waves whenever their paths crossed during the day. He missed unwinding with him every evening. He missed telling Eren all about the day's events over dinner and having all of Eren's attention on him while he talked about anything and everything. He missed being near him, close to him, he missed the unnatural warmth of his body. He missed his love.  
  
"Didn't think you wanted to see me," Eren says, flatly.  
  
"Why would you think that?" Levi's eyes soften with concern when he hears Eren say that in such a defeated tone.  "And shut the door, you're letting all the brat smell in."  
  
"I fucked up," Eren continues, nearly wincing as he says it, averting his eyes and slowly pulling the door closed behind him.  
  
"What?" Eren stays silent instead of answering him. Levi ponders. "This is about the other day, isn't it." Eren still doesn't answer, nor does he look up from the floor, Levi's suspicions confirmed. Yes, it's true that he was annoyed, but he wasn't _mad_. All he wanted was another hour of sleep.  
  
"Really, Eren? Because of that? You were humping me like a dog in heat; it was keeping me awake."  
  
"I'm sorry!" Eren exclaims, voice cracking, returning his attention to the floor, unable to look Levi in the eye.  "I didn't even realize I was doing it at first," he mumbles, "not until you pushed me away."  
  
"I didn't push you away." Levi, whose voice is firm yet gentle, looks straight at him, and Eren can feel him staring. When Eren finally looks up, Levi sees a face red with remorse.  
  
"I fucked up, okay, it was right of you to push me away."  
  
"I didn't push you away. I told you, you were keeping me up, I was fucking tired." No response from Eren.  Levi grits his teeth. _Now_ he's getting annoyed. Not wanting to continue down that road again, Levi changes the subject. "You seemed surprised to see me."  
  
"I thought you'd be out."  
  
At this time of day, he usually is. Still... Levi raises a thin, questioning eyebrow.  
  
"I was just coming to get my things."  
  
Levi is growing more concerned by the minute. This is strange, but there must be a simple explanation, though whatever that explanation may be, Levi can't yet piece it together. Maybe Eren's trying to be considerate again. He has complained about Eren leaving a mess before, but he's never been angry about it. "I'm fine with you having your things here. You can leave them; it's fine."  
  
"I'm bringing my stuff back to the dorm." Eren states.  
  
This, however, gives Levi pause. His expression doesn't betray how startled by this he is. Levi is speechless. _What?_  
  
"I can't trust myself not to... to... _violate_ you like that if I stay here. I couldn't control myself, it just... happened... I can't help it, I can't help wanting..." Eren feels a chill and stops himself from finishing that thought. This is dangerous territory, he knows.  
  
Levi lets out a deep sigh of irritation. "You want to fuck, I get it, we've been over this a hundred times, Eren." He's so tired of talking about this. They never get anywhere with these conversations. The kid just can't seem to listen. Levi squeezes his brow in his hand, trying to keep his cool. He can't. "Just go fuck someone already!"  
  
Eren's head snaps up, his fists clenching in anger and his eyes sharp and locked directly on Levi. "No! I'm not going to do that!" He shouts.  "I can't- I won't do that with someone else, just thinking about it makes me sick! You don't fucking get it!" Eren's voice echoes off the stone walls. Levi snaps.  
  
"What don't I get, Eren?" he spits,  "that you won't stop bitching about how horny you are and just go do something about it so I don't have to hear this shit anymore?"  
  
Eren bares his teeth, ready for a retort, but Levi, all patience having now dissolved, continues his tirade.  "You have plenty of opportunities. Everyone can see how Mikasa can barely keep herself off you, she's obviously more than will--" Eren cuts him off before he can say another word.  
  
"What the fuck, Levi! That's sick! She's my fucking sister!" Eren yells, angry and disgusted that Levi would even suggest such a vile thing.  
  
"She's not your sister."  
  
"Levi!!"  
  
"All right, then," Levi concedes, his voice threateningly calm and eerily cold. "Fine." The large wood and leather chair screeches on the floorboards as Levi gracelessly pushes it back. He rises from the seat, eyes honed on Eren. Like a stalking cat, he walks around to the front of his desk, and Eren's eyes dart down when Levi's small hands drop to his waist. His fingers flick in staccato jerks as he angrily unbuckles his belt. "Have it your way."  
  
Levi yanks his belt out of its loops so fast that the leather hums, and the trailing end whips the side of his desk with a sharp crack.  
  
A cold sweat tickles Eren's neck and his mouth goes dry as he looks on in wide-eyed horror.  
  
Levi shoves his pants down his thick, powerful thighs, then turns around and bends over his desk, sturdy mahogany vibrating from the force of his palms slamming down on it. His legs are spread wide, bare ass exposed to Eren in a taunt. "Do it. Fuck me," Levi growls, failing to restrain his anger. "Come on. Isn't this what you want? Hurry up and do it if it'll make you shut up about it."  
  
Eren is shocked, stunned, mouth agape and eyes wide as saucers in disbelief. Anger and disgust flare in his chest and rise up his throat, his mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out, not even a breath. His stomach churns. Eren's entire body is shaking and his lip trembles when he finally regains enough composure to shout at Levi. "FUCK YOU!"  
  
Levi hears the reverberating echo of the door slamming, and he remains bent over his desk, hanging his head and closing his eyes until his breathing steadies and a great tide of regret rises until he drowns in its depths.

\---

Eren dashes through the castle corridors, running with clenched jaw and clenched fists, praying that he doesn't come across anyone until at last he finds a place he can hide. He has to make sure he's actually safe before he can let his guard down, so he looks all around the room, pausing to listen, and finally determines that, yes, thankfully, he is alone. Eren walks to the sink in a daze, turning the faucet with a weak and shaking hand to splash some cold water on his face. He can't calm down. He's shivering, and his heart and head are both pounding. He rubs the water from his eyes and just happens to glance at himself in the mirror, a wave of nausea and self-loathing coming over him at the sight of his reflection. Feeling imminently sick, he bends his head over the sink in a panic. He coughs, heaves, at first choking on a sob refusing to be swallowed, and then again when the contents of his stomach follow it into the white porcelain.  
  
He leans down low over the splattered bowl, shivering and gasping, drooling from his open mouth, feeling his body start to revolt again when he hears footsteps. Quickly he dashes around the corner, bent double, clapping his hand over his mouth. A wet hand flails out, grip slipping in a struggle to turn the knob. He turns it all the way, forcing it more in frustration when it stops at its end. The water is as hot and as high as it will go, and he leans his back against the damp tile wall waiting for the intruder to finish up and leave.  
  
Eventually, Eren hears the intruder leave, and he releases the breath he didn't even know he was holding. He breathes slowly and deeply, inhaling soothing steam and the stench of piss and mildew along with it. It's hot, the thick, humid air making it hard to breathe. His head is spinning, and he feels weak, and all he can do is slide limply down the wall and onto the floor, soaking himself in the process. Fully clothed, Eren falls forward onto his hands and knees, the hot water raining down on his back, dripping through his hair and running trails down his face. He watches the droplets fall and join the water swirling around the filthy drain before he retches again. Nothing comes up, and he chokes and cries, praying that the sound of the running water is enough to drown out his pathetic sobs and whimpers.  
  
   
  
   
  
 


	4. Chapter 4

Eren's head is swimming. His thoughts and emotions are overwhelming him, and his body is cold and wet, his shivering is only partially due to the chill that prickles his skin with goosebumps. He couldn't stop reliving what had just happened in Levi's room, brooding. How he knew he should have just left, how he shouldn't have said anything, especially about _tha_ t. He sees Levi's expression changing from concern to annoyance to anger, and he remembers vividly the way Levi looked bent over and exposed, taunting him. It made Eren feel sick, and his chest ached, and he worried if Levi still loved him after all that had happened.  
  
The worry was the worst. His jaw quivered when he thought about losing Levi. Being with him hurt. Sometimes a lot. Being with Levi was also wonderful. Eren adores him. Levi is kind to him, and he knows that Levi trusts him and loves him, just not in that way. Levi holds him, kisses him, dotes on him, and at times it's torture; it leaves him wanting more. Something that Levi can't give, something unimportant and that he shouldn't even want. Eren briefly wonders if it's worth all the pain, being with him, but the thought of not being with him is even more painful.  
  
And then his thoughts turn to how Levi might be feeling. Is he making Levi uncomfortable with his neediness? His selfishness? Is he making Levi unhappy? Does Levi regret confessing to him?  
  
Little did Eren know that Levi was just as consumed and he with pain and worry and regret.

\---

The dormitory is dark and empty, and Eren is relieved. He's cold and uncomfortable, clothes sticking to his skin, boots squelching with every step. As he peels off his shirt, he is grateful that he's alone and no one can question him about his wet clothes. At least one thing has gone right for him today, he thinks to himself- that is until he hears a familiar voice coming from behind him.  
  
"Eren?"  
  
Armin is suddenly right behind him, and Eren wants to cry at the loss of his solitude. The light from Armin's lantern reveals the secret that Eren was so close to keeping, and Eren's weary mind can't come up with a plausible alibi for why he's half-dressed and soaking wet. The concern in his best friend's voice tells him that he noticed, and Eren doesn't have the strength to do anything but lower his shoulders in defeat and shame.

  
Armin regards the scene carefully, deciding on how best to proceed. His full attention is on Eren, who is currently struggling to free himself from the clutches of wet pants that are clinging to his legs. Eren clenches his teeth and grunts in frustration at his awkward, clumsy attempt to shake them off, but they won't release their grip on his cold, damp legs. Armin watches Eren fall backward onto the bed in resignation; one pant leg stuck to his thigh and the other flopping loosely from his foot. Eren covers his eyes with his forearm, and Armin sighs.  
  
He had planned on asking, but upon observing Eren's demeanor, he decides to let it be for now. He's still worried, so he changes the subject so that he can continue to read the situation without further upsetting Eren. He calmly sets his lantern on the dresser and squats down in front of Eren's feet to help him with the task he's apparently given up on.  
  
While tugging on the cuff of Eren's right pant leg, Armin casually asks Eren if he'd like to go down to dinner, and he pretends like he doesn't notice that what's going on is very, very strange. Eren bends his knee backward and frees his leg from the heavy, uncomfortable dampness of the cloth, and Armin starts working on the left leg, straightening the seam and pulling the hem straight down.  
  
"I'm not hungry," Eren mumbles, words muffled by his arm.  
  
_This again_. Mercy be damned. Armin can't let it slide this time. He can't let Eren keep doing this. He has a responsibility to his friend. Armin knows there's no subtlety with Eren. He needs to be as direct as possible, no matter how angry Eren gets.  
  
Armin's knee clicks when rises from his squatting position. He is quiet while he drapes Eren's pants over the footboard of the bed to dry, giving himself extra time to think before taking a seat on the bed next to him.  
  
"Why were you crying?"  
  
Eren jolts a little but then goes completely still, giving no response, wishing that Armin would just disappear, but knowing that he won't.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong," Armin says, not a question but a command.  
  
"Nothing's wrong," Eren mumbles again, irritated, arm still obscuring his face. He turns his head away.  
  
"Don't lie to me Eren, I followed you in there and it sure as hell didn't sound like nothing."

It's true. Armin had followed him. He happened to be down the hall from Levi's room when he heard a voice that sounded like Eren's shouting, followed by a door slamming hard enough for the sound to carry all the way down the long corridor. Quickly concealing himself in the doorway of a nearby open room, he cautiously peered around the corner. There he saw Eren trudging down the hall, obviously upset about something. Armin followed several steps behind, stepping softly as not to be heard, watching Eren looking left and right, and he saw Eren bring his arm up to his face as he entered the room that housed the showers. Armin stayed outside the door until he heard sniffling and coughing, and as soon as he heard what could only be Eren crying, he knew he had to go to him.  
  
However, the instant he stepped into the room, Eren ran away to hide in the showers. Armin decided then that it was probably best to give Eren some space, so he used the bathroom and left, and Eren was none the wiser.  
  
"I wasn't feeling well," he replies.  
  
"Does this have something to do with Captain Levi?" _Ah._ The response this question provokes from Eren is telling. Armin sees him go stiff again, notices the way his jaw tightens and his fingers twitch. He had a feeling this might be the case.  
  
"I told you it's nothing!" Eren exclaims.  
  
"And I told you not to lie to me! I know, Eren."  
  
Eren suddenly turns over and sits up, completely giving himself away without even realizing that he had. "Know what?"  
  
"Do you think I haven't noticed what's been going on between you two?" Armin doesn't mention the other things he's noticed. Like Eren's mood swings, his disappearances, his weak excuses for not eating, how he's always distracted, and the bags under his eyes are beginning to resemble Levi's.  
  
"Please don't tell anyone!" Eren begs, worried and frantic, facing Armin with fear in his eyes.  
  
"I won't, I promise. Now, will you tell me why you were crying?"  
  
"I had a fight with Levi." Eren looks away dejectedly, unable to look Armin in the face.  
  
"What about?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I just don't! Drop it, okay?"  
  
Just thinking about telling Armin what happened brings back all the feelings of humiliation and self-loathing and regret. His stomach drops and his chest aches when he remembers it in vivid detail, and there's no way he'll ever tell Armin about it, or anyone else for that matter. No one could ever understand this. How could they? Everyone else's lovers want them. Everyone but him. Unwanted. Undesirable. Rejected. Eren swallows loudly, and his face burns with shame.  
  
"I just want to help you. I'm worried."  
  
"I'm fine! I just want to go to bed."  
  
Eren isn't budging, and Armin can hear the pain in his voice and see the tears starting to well up in his already reddened eyes. He takes this as his cue to leave and allow Eren some privacy. He's not going to give up, though. Something is wrong, and he's going to get to the bottom of it.  
  
"Okay. Good night, Eren. I'm always here if you need me."  
  
And with those words, Armin leaves Eren's side. He carries his lantern out with him, looking back one last time at Eren's crumpled, heaving silhouette before relinquishing him to the darkness.

\---

Levi is pacing alone in his room. He punches the wall and collapses into his chair, burying his head in his hands. _Fuck_.  
  
 


	5. Chapter 5

  
  
Eren won't make the same mistake again. He was careless yesterday, assuming that Levi wouldn't be there but not actually making sure that was the case. Today, though, he knows he's in the clear. Levi is away from headquarters with Erwin and Hanji, meeting with some potential benefactors for the Survey Corps. He doesn't truly want to do this, but he knows he should. He can't keep doing this to Levi, upsetting him like he did, making him uncomfortable because he can't control his body or his emotions. He cares too much about Levi, and he decided that if this is what he needs to give up to be with him, it's a sacrifice he's willing to make. He loves him too much to lose him over something as trivial as sex.  
  
Eren trudges dejectedly up the stairs toward Levi's quarters, bag dragging on the ground behind him, the effort it takes feels like he's walking through thick mud, fighting against invisible resistance every step of the way. At last, he reaches his destination, and he hesitates, listening, before retrieving the key from his pocket. His hand is shaking, and he fumbles with the key before finally pushing it into the lock, turning it in slow motion until it clicks, and the sound makes him inadvertently flinch. Eren does the best he can to steel himself, taking a deep breath before placing his palm on the rough wood, pushing it open cautiously, dread in the pit of his stomach.  
  
At once he's distracted by the sight of Levi's empty room, so much so that he forgets to lock the door behind him. He's drawn to a certain detail that makes him swallow hard. Levi's bed is unmade, and there's a shirt dangling over the edge of the mattress. One of his, he notices, and he doesn't know what to make of it. Eren walks over to Levi's bed and picks up the shirt- his shirt- that's only an inch away from touching the floor. He slumps onto Levi's bed, the mattress creaking under his weight, and he simply stares down at the balled up piece of clothing on his lap, trying to make sense of it.  
  
After a long while of fruitless contemplation, Eren's attention turns to the bed where he now sits, alone. It's in disarray, the sheets rumpled and tangled and hanging over the edge, and it's not something he's ever seen before, something he's never expected to see. Levi always keeps his room spotless and in impeccable order, Levi even going so far as to keep his beloved feather duster hanging beside the bed. His eyes settle on it for a moment, its multi color rooster feathers free of dust, its polished wooden handle smooth as glass.  
  
Eren flops backward onto the bed, bouncing slightly, throwing his forearm over his eyes, at a complete loss of what to do or think. He becomes aware of a certain quality in the air around him, a scent, warm and familiar. It's the scent of Levi, on the sheets and pillows, and he aches at the recognition. _Levi._ His eyes scrunch tightly shut in pain and confusion, his thoughts and feelings jumbled and confused and at odds with each other.

\---

He couldn't do it.  
  
Out of all the things he's endured in his life, he couldn't fight off the overwhelming intensity of emotion of this. He couldn't stay a minute more.  
  
He had to leave. He was much too distracted to be of any use during this meeting. He didn't really need to be there anyway, Commander Erwin a is far better negotiator than he.  
  
And so, Levi rides to headquarters alone, lost in thought, thinking of Eren the entire trip back.  
  
He'd lost his temper with Eren, a fact he deeply regrets. He wishes he wouldn't have, but that topic always puts him so on edge that he has trouble controlling his emotions. Eren looked so hurt. The look on his face broke his heart, and he's been tormented by it ever since. He hurt him. He didn't even take into consideration the impact his outburst would have on Eren. He hadn't thought about how it would make Eren feel at all. Selfish. He doesn't deserve Eren.  
  
All he wants is for Eren to be happy, and he tries to tell him that, but it never seems to help. Just because he isn't interested in sex doesn't mean that others aren't. Eren can have what he wants; he would never be so selfish as to deny Eren that. He wants Eren to have what he needs, why can't Eren see that?  
  
He doesn't know what else to do. He's told Eren time and time again that he can sleep with whoever he pleases, he doesn't own him, he just wants him to be happy. As long as the person Eren chooses to bed treats him like the goddamn prince he is, he's fine with it. And he'd kill them if he ever found out that they'd hurt Eren...  
  
_He_ hurt Eren.  
  
He needs a bath to clear his head.

\---

He shouldn't be thinking about this now, of all times! But he can't help it! It's not like it was on purpose! When he smelled Levi on the bedsheets, his body just reacted. His skin flushed with warmth, and he became aware of a dull ache growing between his legs. It happens constantly, and at the most inappropriate times. He wishes he had control over it, but he doesn't. That's what got him here in the first place.  
  
Eren hasn't been able to stop picturing it. How Levi's skin looked, creamy and pale. The firm, perfect shape of his ass, at once muscular and soft. The taunting look Levi shot at him from over his shoulder, goading him. The brief glimpse he got of what hung between Levi's thighs. It was beautiful, and it was painful beyond measure.  
  
Eren groans, the intrusive memory has aroused him fully, even though he's trying so hard to will it away. Being in Levi's unmade bed, surrounded by his scent, visions of Levi's bare ass presented to him swirling in his head; how could he ever fight this and win? Suddenly he's forgotten why he came here.  
  
He whimpers in defeat. At least he's alone. He can take care of this quickly; he can give himself just enough relief from the ache so that he can focus again. Without even being conscious of it, he begins grinding himself into the sheets, the friction of it on his clothed erection addicting, and he wants more, harder, faster.  
  
He unbuckles his belt and shoves his uniform pants down his thighs enough to free himself, sighing in relief. Face down, buried in Levi's pillow and inhaling deeply, he uses his hand instead. His grip is tight, too tight, and his strokes are rough and fast. He needs to finish this quickly.  
  
But he can't. It's not enough. His hand is not enough. He can't stop picturing Levi's naked body begging to be fucked. Truthfully, that idea had never occurred to him until then- to be the one fucking Levi. He'd always imagined himself being on the receiving end, and while the idea of fucking Levi is rather appealing, he's far more aroused at the thought of Levi fucking him. He wants to know what that feels like.  
  
Again, without thinking, he brings his fingers to his mouth, wetting them, imagining that it's something else he's sucking on, and then he's reaching behind him, nudging at his hole, his own spit-slick fingers soon pushing inside, and he groans. Is this how Levi's fingers would feel? Would Levi even do such a dirty thing? He imagines it anyway. Both hands work to give him release while he suffocates in Levi's scent, the pillow muffling his whimpering moans.  
  
And it's still not enough. He tries to imagine Levi's cock inside him instead, bigger, deeper, more, _more_... He turns his head to the side, and he knows deep down that he shouldn't do what he's about to do, but the voice of reason is barely a whisper in the state he's in right now. Levi would kill him if he ever found out.  
  
He reaches for the feather duster.

\---

Levi freezes in place in front of his door. It's open. Only a crack, but he knows he locked it when he left. More than that, he can hear someone in his room. He's instantly on guard.  
  
Quieter than a mouse, he sneaks closer, staying hidden behind the door. The sounds are strange. He can't quite put his finger on why, but they sound... familiar.  
  
He peers through the crack in the door and what he sees makes his blood run cold in shock. His stomach drops, his throat constricts, and he feels as if he's just taken a blade to the heart.  
  
He observes only for a second, feeling far too sick to watch this any longer. He can't believe what he's just witnessed. He drove Eren to this, and he can't forgive himself.  
  
He leaves, sick to his stomach and filled with more guilt than ever before.  



	6. Chapter 6

  
  
He couldn't say anything. He couldn't open that door and confront Eren. What _could_ he have said?  
  
He still doesn't know. All he can think about is running away, escaping from painful reality like the coward he is.  
  
Levi passes Armin and Mikasa on the way out to the stables and nods to them in greeting, but Mikasa's eyes are like daggers, and Armin's lips are pressed tight into a disapproving frown. _Do they know?_ He continues past them without a word, already uncomfortable enough, and he can feel their eyes burning holes in his back.  
  
He rides.

\---

Before he knows it, the sun has set. He's been riding for hours, his mind no clearer than before, his guilt no lighter.  
  
He's exhausted.

\---

Though he'd expected as much, Levi is still crestfallen when he returns to find his room empty. Somehow he'd still hoped to see Eren waiting up for him with a pot of tea like always. Levi suddenly feels cold at the thought that he may never return to that again.  
  
He strips off his clothes, still stinking of horse, without the energy or will to do anything more. He's just about to sit down, but instead, he freezes in place. Something about this scene is different from the way he left it. His bed has been made, and there's not a trace of Eren left in his room. He's crushed. Unable to bear the thought of sleeping in that bed alone, he retires to his desk chair and remains deep in thought until the sun rises again.

\---

Levi forces himself to get up. As stiff and sore as he is, he doesn't feel like moving from his spot, but he knows he can't just spend the day sulking. He goes through the motions of his routine, but the thoughts from the night before still haven't faded.  
  
When he'd seen that Eren _had_ actually taken his belongings and left, it scared him. It scared him more than anything. Something about seeing his bed made and empty radiated an anguishing sense of finality. And though he found the desire silly, he desperately hoped that Eren had forgotten his shirt, if only to give himself a small bit of comfort, however false it may have been.  
  
He's been so selfishly blind, and it took being confronted with the reality of losing Eren to see it. Yes, it's true that he doesn't have the slightest interest in sex, and it's true that he's uncomfortable with the mere mention of it. He couldn't understand why it matters so much to Eren. He _loves_ him. Isn't that all that matters?  
  
But then, after days spent without the comfort of Eren's presence, especially his touch, he finally begins to understand. The ache of desire and loneliness he feels at not receiving Eren's love and affection is near unbearable, and he finally sees that that's what he's been doing to Eren; he's been denying him of something he so desperately needs. As Levi is thinking this, his mind supplies him with an unwanted image, one of many, a memory of Eren begging, pleading with him to listen, to understand him.  
  
Eren is always so, so generous with his affection, and he's been taking it for granted. He misses Eren immensely, starving for just a taste of the affection he'd gotten used to having lavished on him so abundantly and freely. He feels like something was torn from him, some crucial part of him gone, leaving behind nothing but a bottomless pit of yearning.  
  
Still, he doesn't know if he can give Eren what he needs. Sex is still something he can't seem to muster interest in. He's never had an interest in it, with Eren or with anyone else for that matter. But... would it really be so bad to try, if only for Eren's sake? He's always sworn that he'd do anything for Eren. If he could kill for him, even lay his life on the line for him, why can't he do this?  
  
It's not like his body doesn't work that way. He's felt pleasure before, even if it was only the result of necessity, to alleviate an annoying, unwanted discomfort. And now he's met with another memory.  
  
He had woken up one morning to a startling discovery. As he cleaned up the mess, he was furious. He isn't a goddamn teenager anymore; this isn't supposed to happen! What had he even been dreaming about? And then, he remembers. He'd been dreaming about Eren.  
  
He dreamed of Eren's skin against him, soft and smooth and hot, belying the hidden strength of his muscled body. He'd admired Eren's beauty, his expressive green eyes, his smile, his lilting voice, his quiet sighs. The feeling of wrapping his arms around him and seeing him smile as they kissed. The sweet sound of Eren showering him with endless praises, and the elation he feels every time those three little words tumble from Eren's lips.  
  
Levi is stricken with recollection once again, this memory more unpleasant than the rest: Eren's eyes filled with tears threatening to spill, his voice wavering. _Why aren't you attracted to me?_

\---

Levi steps into the open doorway with no small amount of trepidation, pausing to gather his courage before knocking on the splintered, wooden doorframe of the barracks.  
  
"Eren?"  
  
The boy sitting on the bed with his back to the door jolts slightly, startled at the sudden noise. Or perhaps it was that he recognized the voice that quietly called out for him that startled him; he didn't expect to hear it, despite having been hearing that same one relentlessly echoing in his head for days. He turns around, puzzled, wondering if he'd only imagined that voice calling to him, and his feelings are conflicted when he sees that it wasn't his imagination after all.  
  
"Levi?" Eren blinks a few times.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
Eren nods, and Levi approaches slowly, stalling for time before sitting on the bed beside the person who's been on his mind every waking hour. Levi leans slightly, about to greet Eren with a kiss on the forehead like he always does, but he stops before he reaches Eren; he isn't sure if he still has the privilege to do so.  
  
They are both unsure of what to say to each other, and the silence between them is awkward and tense, stretching on for what feels like an eternity, neither brave or sure enough to speak. Levi is staring blankly at his lap, almost forgetting why he came here in the first place. He blinks again, still looking down at the object in his hand. He seems surprised to see it there, even though he'd been carrying it all day while he searched everywhere for Eren.  
  
A vivid picture of the last time he'd seen Eren flashes in front of his eyes, and he feels at once sick and determined. He pushes the memory away into the dark recesses of his mind, hopefully never to be seen again.  
  
"I'm sorry," Levi sheepishly mutters, seeming more like he's addressing the thing in his hand than Eren.  
  
"I'm sorry, too." Eren looks to Levi, who is still looking away from him. It takes a long time before Levi can look him in the eyes.  
  
Both of them appear distressed and exhausted.  
  
"I got you something." Levi slides the book he's been holding onto Eren's lap, and now Eren is the one staring down at it, perplexed.  
  
Eren scans the cover, and Levi shyly watches recognition wash over Eren's face, features contorting with alarm shortly after. "Levi... where did you get this?"  
  
"Do you like it?" Levi dodges the question.  
  
Eren flips through the pages, eyes wide in bewilderment. He slowly closes it, stunned, and then it's his turn to dodge a question. "Do you know what will happen if someone finds out you have this?"  
  
"You don't like it," Levi replies, dejected.  
  
"I love it. I just... how? _Why?_ " Eren is acutely aware of the risk Levi took in order to obtain this. Pre-war books are more than just banned, the government actually denies their very existence, and the people who are found to own one, or even merely know of them are rarely heard from again. He's always wanted one.  
  
And then, Eren understands the significance of Levi's gift. The grave risk of Levi acquiring such a thing for him conveys a certain seriousness; it's more than a gift. It's an apology, a gesture profound and eloquent in a way that Levi never finds his words to be. Levi has never been great with words, but his actions have always spoken loud enough for Eren.  
  
Levi is still looking at Eren, waiting for a response, a sign, anything at all to indicate whether Eren will still have him, or whether he'll be sent away for good.  
  
When that answer finally comes, Levi feels faint.  
  
"I love you, Levi."  
  
And though Levi sees the wounds still clear in those beautiful green eyes, he is relieved.  
  
There is hope.  
  
With closed eyes and shaking hands, Levi touches Eren, and Eren does not resist the gentle hand on the back of his head or the warm lips now pressed to his forehead.  
  
He knows he is loved.

 

 


End file.
